remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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