: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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