before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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