I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
