I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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