its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
