I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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