I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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