So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
