don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
