I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
