Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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