Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
