I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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