i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
