So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
