The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
