Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
