You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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