he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
