I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
