i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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