just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
