so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
All I want is dick and wine.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
