can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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