do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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