Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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