u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
