My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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