Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
