you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
My Sexting was not on an AP level
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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