Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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