Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
