Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
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