just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
