i just wanna soil my oats bro
I intend to get homeless drunk
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
