I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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