Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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