Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
