Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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