Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Randomize
