you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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