I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
