I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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