Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
