I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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