Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
