I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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