if you like me you must not know who I am
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
