We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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