you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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