we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
